I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
