So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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