I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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