The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
