You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
