goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
