i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
