The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
