Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
