He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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