but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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