So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
