my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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