ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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