Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
