I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
