Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
my liver is dry heaving
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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