Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
