its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
