Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
