Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
