Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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