I checked into jail on foursquare
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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