This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
