I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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