You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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