if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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