too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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