also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
