remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
