I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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