so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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