I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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