she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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