if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize