I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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