I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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