Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
