It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
