Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
