Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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