Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
