Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
