So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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