1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
