i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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