They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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