Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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