had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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