I faked an abortion last night.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
