it's like iHOP with fire
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
