Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
