There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Let's get the cat blown out
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
