Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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