Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
