i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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