i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
