Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
