My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
