my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
